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07 November 2024

Politics

Abundant Prayer Finally Fixes America’s Gun Problem

Abundant Prayer Finally Fixes America’s Gun Problem

Featured Posts | by Tommy Cox

In the wake of what has become an epidemic of mass shootings, it has now been widely confirmed that the surfeit of prayers has, at last, fixed America’s gun problem. “We are happy to announce that we no longer need…

First-Ever Murders In A Planned Parenthood Committed By Colorado Terrorist

First-Ever Murders In A Planned Parenthood Committed By Colorado Terrorist

Featured Posts | by Timothy McFoster

Continuing a string of ultra-violence, yet another wretched white male terrorist opened fire on innocent civilians, this time in a Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood location. He killed three people, making this the first-ever murders to take place in a Planned…

Three-Year-Old Christian Gives Zero Shits About Syrian Refugees

Three-Year-Old Christian Gives Zero Shits About Syrian Refugees

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

RIVERTON, UT—Citing disappointment in their three-year-old’s attitude of utter indifference to the plight of Syrian refugees, the parents of Todd Finster have lost all faith in the child. “I never dreamed that a three-year-old could be so irrational,” said Brent…

Obama To SLC: “Sign Up For Insurance, I’ll Be Baptized In Your Golden Cattle Tub”

Obama To SLC: “Sign Up For Insurance, I’ll Be Baptized In Your Golden Cattle Tub”

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

In an interesting twist to the challenge issued by the White House to 20 communities across the nation to enroll uninsured citizens in the healthcare marketplace, President Obama made a personalized promise to Salt Lake City. “Uh… look. Now, if…

Handfuls Of LDS Seek To Reconcile Genocidal Consequences Of BoM’s Spirit-Guided Explorations

Handfuls Of LDS Seek To Reconcile Genocidal Consequences Of BoM’s Spirit-Guided Explorations

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

Across the state today, there are reports of at least a dozen-and-a-half LDS members who experienced some measure of cognitive dissonance during scripture study this morning. Sources indicate that reconciling a Holy Ghost-guided journey that initiated the raping, pillaging, and…

Gary R. Herbert Unanimously Confirmed As Prophet, Seer And Governor

Gary R. Herbert Unanimously Confirmed As Prophet, Seer And Governor

Featured Posts | by Snorri Sturluson

His Seership—the divinely inspired gubernatorial voice of holiness, Gary Richard Herbert—was formerly sworn in as prophet, seer, and governor, with all members manifesting their approval. “All in favor please manifest it by the uplifted hand; all opposed please manifest it,”…

Illiterate Anti-Choice Conservatives Accidentally Protest To “Defend Planned Parenthood”

Illiterate Anti-Choice Conservatives Accidentally Protest To “Defend Planned Parenthood”

Featured Posts | by Timothy McFoster

A baker’s dozen of illiterate conservatives were surprised to be greeted with thank-yous at the east-central Salt Lake Planned Parenthood location due to an across-the-board vowel mix-up during their ill-fated protest. The signs, meant as an imperative toward policymakers, read…

Utah Gov. Gary Herbert Completely Flips Shit After Gay Marriage Ruling

Utah Gov. Gary Herbert Completely Flips Shit After Gay Marriage Ruling

Featured Posts | by Snorri Sturluson

Amid much gnashing of teeth, Utah Gov. Gary R. Herbert addressed members of the press corps to discuss his reaction to the Supreme Court’s historic 5-4 decision which legalized same-sex marriages across America. “I’m no bigot. You know me—I love…