AF 17th avoids the “in” in “sin”

A handful of problems were laid to rest as it was confirmed in-wardhouse that the American Fork East 17th Ward does not watch pornography. Not a single admission of emission from the inconspicuously non-concupiscent congregation.

It’s stroke of relief to the community said to claim — and obviously uphold — stringent moral compasses. “We just want to move on from this assumption that we use things like, say, [Google Chrome’s] incognito browser to keep the history and cache of our internet history invisible, which, it goes without saying, is clean. I mean, my homepage is LDS.org, so it should be obvious where I spend my online time in my downstairs basement,” said ward clerk Wally D. Nyles.

Brother Nyles wasn’t the only innocent victim. Jerry Goff, whose brother Jacques is a devout consumer of “raunchy narratives of the Old West,” reports that his brother shares his libidinous tastes[verbally, to him]. Animals are said to be involved, but Goff said his brother said, “if you seriously follow the plot, it’s not bestiality per se as much as it is the anthropomorphic result of actualized dreams. It’s pretty tough to capture that on film, you know.”

Goff made sure to add, “I’m just glad that my conscious is clean knowing that I don’t [masturbate] three times a day.” It is an incredible realization that a contingent within a religion outsiders claim has a “repressed sexual drive,” can withstand the prurient force of widely-available hardcore pornography. It’s even more shocking and laudable when the wealth of information is considered regarding the state of Utah maintaining the highest number of internet porn subscribers in the United States.

Bishop Forrest Gildt was relieved with the findings. “It brings me such pleasure to see my fellow saints devoid of licentiousness. As full-tithe payers, it’s no surprise they are willing to give money to the Lord’s needs rather than the bi-monthly 12.99 subscription to housewives[redacted].com”

“The ward stands as a firm pillar against today’s smutty offerings,” said Gildt. “Just last Sunday, I had a very encouraging visit with Brother Jeff Wilkers after his wife accused him without spiritual evidence of supposed pornographic habits.” The bishop said Sister Tammy Wilkers ought to trust the priesthood holder’s word and added, “Brother Wilkers said among the types of pornography he does not watch include Teachers Behaving Badly, Young Asian Masseuses, Adventures In Babysitting, and a few crime-based ones. Something about gang-bangers. It’s clear to me he does not indulge in the erotic skin flicks. He told me he doesn’t.”

Jeff Wilkers was sought for comment, but only offered the following, “Me, porn? Ohhh, no. Not me. Youporn.”