In a daring move, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today a radical organizational shift that will ensure successful white, male members over the age of 40 finally gain proper representation.

The organization, long known for its controversial promotion of non-homogenous leaders, boldly proclaimed the Lord’s will this Saturday afternoon, by calling three Utah-based white males to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.

Gabriel Rodriquez, a member of the Mexico City 12th Ward, expressed his shock upon hearing the news, “I was sweating bullets as they rose to the pulpit, afraid that they’d mishandle this huge decision at such a critical juncture,” he continued, “imagine my relief when it set in that my church would finally represent my beloved brothers and sisters in Utah.”

It is too early to anticipate any sort of fallout from this seismic shift in the growing worldwide religion. Stay tuned to The Beehive Bugle for further updates.