Google’s plans to bring Internet speeds hardly known to most of planet Earth to Salt Lake City have many local bishops on edge.

“We’ve sent requests to the General Authorities, asking for at least a 3rd councilor. Heck, maybe even a 4th,” said an exasperated Bishop Randy Jessen. “And, like, to add some clause that allows the councilors to deal with the porn thing, if nothing else. I mean, there just won’t be enough time in the day.”

With Utah already being one of the top porn-consuming states, many fear that Google Fiber will open the floodgates and release a deluge of porn never heretofore imagined. Provo has been one of the flagship cities for Google Fiber for some time now, and leadership has seen an uptick in worthiness interviews.

Jessen—who has been a bishop for 4 years as well as a staunch non-supporter of feminism—said, “I think it’s time we give the sisters the priesthood. Pretty soon there probably won’t be a single man in Salt Lake City worthy to do anything more than show up to church. Women are gonna have to step it up.” After a few moments of blankly gazing out the window, he muttered, “I hope the Walmarts[sic] starts stocking a heavy surplus of tube socks.”

Tom Burnquist, bishop of the BYU 945th ward, has been dealing with Provo’s onslaught of weeping, broken men, utterly crippled by guilt. “Do you have any idea what listening to grown men cry like tortured chickens, for hours on end, Sunday after Sunday, does to a guy? It’s like watching Hotel Rwanda, or Schindler’s List on a loop.” He says that Salt Lake City bishops should expect much of the same.

With free Internet available—even to poor people—bishops worry that the demographics that could only rarely manage to look at porn in public libraries, and occasionally stocked up on prostitute trading cards during the Vegas Bowl, will now be weekly visitors to their offices.

However, Bishop Rodney R. Fitch found himself more concerned with the practically-unheard-of gigabit-per-second speed.

“That’s like, porn at the speed of light.  One click, and in one half of a split second you have every video by Aaliyah Love, Bonnie Rotten, Remy LaCroix, Jynx Maze, Jessie Volt, Jada Fire, Vicky Vette, Ice La Fox, Bobbi Star—you name it.  I mean, no more waiting in frustration for the latest Jade-Blue Eclipse video to load. No more buffering during P. J. Sparxx videos. It will be so easy [for them]. Are we done?”

Bishop Bob Butters expressed concern over the size of the cables.

“What are we talking here? Just how big are these cables? 1 gig? How much is that? God help us if the cables are ever big enough for whores to crawl through. At that point, Jesus might as well just throw in the towel, and set his footstool on fire.”